indigo_lemons - Comparing... and what's going on?

I noticed (again) today, that when ever im out in public, i always end up compairing my self to the thinness (or lack there of) of the people around me.  and there never seems to be anyone who looks like me.  there are a lot of girls who are thinner and a lot who are bigger, but i never seem to see anyone my size (or so it seems)... when i catch a glimps of myself in the store from window, or in a mirror, i always look stout, short and chubby.  even when i weighed 85 pounds, i still dont think i ever looked that thin...
its like my insides lost weight but my outside never looked too thin, to me at least.... i can't figure it out.  i went to H&M today, and boy did that depress me....  i want so badly to be pretty enough to wear some of those clothes!! but if i did now, i'd look ridiculous, ackward, and stupid for trying to look fashionable.  all because im too chubby looking (in my eyes)..
lots of other girls my same BMI look a whole lot more normal than me. im shaped like an overweight, middle school boy. :(  i don't quite understand.. maybe my old scales back home were 10 pounds off and i really weigh 10 pounds more... i just feel ugly and gross, and i actually had to leave the store because i was so humiliated, and wait for my host mom  (who i was to meet there) outside, for the aprox 30 minutes that i was supposed to use trying on clothes etc.
i told her i forgot my money.
when asked if i was hungry, and i instantly said i had a stomache ache.... but i don't really know why i said that, since i didn't..  i just felt this feeling of not wanting to eat.  not like the normal, oh i just don't feel like eating right now.
no, more like a i can't  stand the idea of putting something like food into this gross body.  i don't need it, i have some weight i can lose. it would make me prettier and then happier, i guess. at least happier than i am now...
i've only had this strange feeling a few times before, and only recently, at that. 
before, it was like i wanted soooo badly to eat, but wanted to "resist"  but now this feeling is just different.
and a bit scary, cuz when i feel like that, i can't really talk myself into eating.
where the fear of loosing control and binging used to rule (and still completely did until about 2 weeks ago) this new fear of losing control is taking over (it feels like).
not to lose control and binge, but to lose control and starve myself.
i would have never thought id not want to eat.  i don't quite know what to think....
has my metabolism shut down? should i be worried?  am i just not hungry, finally?
or is this something bad?
..... < :-(