indigo_lemons

So, since being here in Germany, i have no mirror, no scale, and absolutely no idea what i look like or weight.  im beginging to freak out.  at home int he US i was used to it being thee everyday. i thought, hey, maybe this will be good for me, maybe ill finally be free of this confusion and stuff, but no.... i was wrong. 
confusion and stuff being the fact that i went from 108 pounds (my highest at the time)  to 82 pounds at the age of 19. ( im 5' 6".) in a matter of 2 months last winter.  then i had to come home from college cuz i was afraid of dying someday there... alone on a run,  lying on my bed after binging all day on a weekend, or in the bathroom having taken 3 times the reccomended amount of laxatives.   so i came home.  no one actually knows the real reason.  (except you if anyone is reading this) they all think its cuz i was home sick and out of money.  they all also knew i had eating issues, but didn't think i thought so.  i knew.  so i came home and for some reaso, not sure why, but it happened. 
i startedto eat. and eat. and then pretty soon i was gaing weight.  i thought  "oh, i'm already so fat now that i gained 5 pounds and then 5 more, that if i lose those 5, ill still be fat."  then it became 10. 15. 20. 25.30. 35.  i finally stopped the gaining but was soooo humiliaed, i refused to go out in public orsee anyone. i almost became reclusive from my family, but i got into therepy before that happend.  my therapist helped withthe social anxeity, but the rest of the time (and i feel HORRID  about this, for wasting money i guess) i was just kinda playing stupid and not ever did i mention my food issues. ever.  so that went on for 2 months, and then i got up enought nerve to go out in public, but i haven't seen anyone i used to know, besides my family and one friend, for a year now.  and everyday, its a battle not to throw up, binge, or starve.  i usually have isues, like saying "todays the last day" and then it never is. 
i don't know what to think.  i came to germany hoping to get away from my old life, but it followed me.  no one knows about my past here though, so thats a bit better.  and the ED part of me is yelling in the back of my head "now you can do it! now you can really be pretty!! and thin!! just 400 a day!! you can do it!!" 
i don't know what to do... and so if i write my mixed up brain slosh out here, maybe ill be able to help myself see... i hope.

but secretly, i wish to be 85 again.  i felt pretty.  id never felt pretty before in my entire life, and i did the day i came home.  we went shopping. i tried onsome tiny jeans. and they actually fit. 
i wish SO HARD every night to wake up that morning and have the last 9 months to be a bad dream.... but it never works. ever.